German police reported today that a truck containing five metric tons of Nutella has been stolen from a parking lot in the town of Bad Hersfeld in the central part of the country. The load is reportedly worth some $21,000 U.S., but that of course is its bulk value. Once the addictive cargo is portioned out for sale in hits of a few grams each, its street value will be inestimably higher. No doubt pale, trembling junkies in slums all over Europe are already lining up for their chance at a cheap, quick ride on the cocoa-hazelnut horse.
We here at joepastry.com believe in pragmatic solutions to these sorts of broad-based societal ills. Which is why this morning we’re pleading with any chocolate paste users out there who might be listening to please, put your own safety first. If you must indulge your addiction, do it out of the presscake dens and off the street corners. With a little equipment and some know-how you can learn to make your own at home. Yes, mainlining homemade Nutella may be sad and ugly, but at least it’s safe, and hopefully a first step toward getting the help you need.
No doubt our stance on this issue will be controversial. However we simply do not believe that “just saying no” is a realistic solution. Anyway, it’s better than smoking banana peels.